im drinking this country out of the recession.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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