Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
