I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
