i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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