They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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