just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
