the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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