I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
