you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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