remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
