Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
