I'm eating all of the evidence.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
