god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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