Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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