Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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