Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
