the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Bring me that man meat
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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