there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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