Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
