But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
