I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
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He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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