Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
