Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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