dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
