Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks