dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
