I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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