Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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