i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Your cock deserves a montage
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
