The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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