I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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