I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
