I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
