Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
