i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
