omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
