I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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