So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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