You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
