Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
