I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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