Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
