If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
