it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
