Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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