Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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