Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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