bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
