I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
