then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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