We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
