im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
