he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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