when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
